I am sure you know the feeling all to well. You get home from work after a big day and all you want to do is engage in activities that relax you or allow you to exert frustrations. You might like to zone out, go for a walk or to the gym, have a hot shower or whatever works for you to regulate yourself after a big day.
Well, children are no different! When children engage in Early Education or Formal Schooling, they take in a lot during the day. They need to learn new things, negotiate with adults, navigate friendships and a larger social world than what they get at home, they need to manage their emotions and make it through the day. Then when they get home it is time to let all of the day come out so they can regulate themselves.
Unlike adults, children are not developed enough in their brains and bodies to regulate their emotional states as well as we can. Their emotions are more visible and raw. You might see your child come home and have a meltdown about the colour of a cup you offered them, or they may become clingy and just want to snuggle all afternoon, they may even appear to be bouncing off the walls with energy. All of these things are a sign they need assistance with regulating how they are feeling. As children do not have the capacity to self-regulate until they are much older, it is our role as the adult to meet their chaos with our calm and co-regulate them.
Children’s emotional regulation systems are likened to traditional stove kettles. The more the child is placed into situations or experience moments of dysregulation, the hotter the temperature becomes in the kettle. Without the opportunity to support regulation (bring the temperature down), the kettle will keep getting hotter. Without regulation opportunities the kettle will reach boiling point and explode. The child cannot bring their kettle temperature down even after an explosion, it just simmers a little but as they are still really hot, it doesn’t take much to bring that temperature back up to boiling and they will explode again. This leaves children in a “fight and flight” state more often than their bodies can manage. When we take the time to support their regulation through dedicated co-regulation activities and moments between us and them to support their emotions, their temperature comes down and stays down for longer.
How do we support our children who need co-regulation?
The first thing we need to do is understand what is happening for our children in these moments. To do this we can look at children’s emotional states categorised by three types of dysregulation –
Container to Expulsion – This type of emotional dysregulation is characteristic of a child who keeps themselves in check all day, managing their emotions in quiet, containing their feelings and rarely making outbursts of emotion. These are the children that will come home and explode in emotion or energy.
Expulsion to Container – This type of emotional dysregulation is characteristic of a child who has a difficult time containing their emotions and will have emotional meltdowns, fidget and struggle to maintain attention and emotional regulation all day. These children typically come home and want to slow things down and withdraw into themselves, books or quiet games.
A mix of both – This type of emotional dysregulation is when you see an even mix of both meltdowns and concentrated containing of their emotional states during the day and depending on the day, your child may come home and bounce off the walls or want to retreat to their favourite quieter activities.
Your child may demonstrate one category of dysregulation more than another, or you may notice trends in their behaviour leaning towards one or the other more often and shift to another at other times. The key is to look at your child holistically to know which of the categories of dysregulated state they are in at that time so you know how best to support their re-regulation.
This is where ‘decompression breaks’ come in handy!
What is a decompression break?
A decompression break is a 20-30 minute period of time dedicated to working with your child to regulate their sensory and emotional states. These periods of time are best done when you start to notice they need more support to regulate after a long day at home, early education or school.
The key to the success of these decompression breaks is to know what dysregulated state your child is in and then provide them the experiences that will support them. So, let’s have a look at what that might look like for the three different categories of dysregulation.
Container to Expulsion – As your child has worked hard to keep their emotions in check all day, they need to release it all out of their system. This can be done by:
- Rough and tumble play (think throwing them around on the bed or trampoline)
- Swinging or spinning
- Heavy sensory work – lifting heavy items, pushing and pulling big things, climbing trees
- Play with impact – running and crashing into things like cushions, pillows or on the trampoline
Finish these activities with some wind down to bring their systems back down after the big release. Laying down for back scratches, some cuddles on the lounge with a book or TV or some quiet games.
Expulsion to Container – As your child has struggled all day to keep themselves in check and have had moments of loud dysregulation they are now seeking some time to focus and quiet their minds in a place they feel the safest. This can be done by:
- Joining them in a favourite quiet activity – e.g. building/construction, puzzles, drawing/painting, reading books
- Playing role play/pretend games with them
- Playdough or clay based play
- Going for a gentle walk
You can gauge how your child is feeling at the end of this decompression break as to whether they would like to then engage in some more active activities as well. This is dependant on how your child is feeling but they will most likely want to carry on with their activities in a quiet and relaxed state.
A mix of both – If you notice that your child has periods of the day where they have had emotional outbursts and others where they have been able to manage their emotions and keep themselves in check, then they will want to engage in a combination of any of the above activities and often a mix of both energy expulsion and emotional container activities. These children should have the loud energy outburst activities first and then wind them down to engage in quieter activities so they can regulate themselves back to calm.
Over time, as you spend periods supporting your child to regulate better through these decompression breaks, you may notice they need them less and their abilities to self-regulate begin to develop more. You may notice they are calmer when they get home, request these activities themselves as they know they make them feel calm and you may notice their day to day is smoother as they are being supported to remain in a regulated state more often (their kettle temperature is coming down and staying down).
Written by Kelly West (B. Psyc Sci)
Behaviour and Development Specialist